Trusting Your Fear

Have you ever had a nagging feeling telling you something just wasn’t right? It’s that heavy, squirming feeling that settles deep in the pit of your stomach. You can’t always put your finger on why it’s there, but it’s too strong, and too uncomfortable, to ignore. Did you feel it when you stepped out of your car at that gas station down the street you weren’t too sure about going to? Did you feel it when you shook that person’s hand at the last party you went to? Did you try and rationalize this feeling away, telling yourself you were imagining things- they seemed like a nice person, after all.

Or did you listen to it? It could save your life.

We all experience fear. Fear is common, and it’s felt in many situations. Fear comes when we face the unknown. Fear comes when we take on challenges we haven’t overcome yet- a difficult class, a new job, an added responsibility. Feelings of worry, apprehension, and anxiety are all emotions felt when you experience different levels of fear.

Fear is also important. Fear is your built in alarm system that sounds when you are in danger. It tries to protect you, telling you “hey, be on your guard;” “watch out- something’s not right here;” “that person is up to something;” or “it’s time to go.” Fear picks up on danger signals, and signals to you when danger is nearby.

One of the most life changing decisions you can make is learning to see your fear as a gift.

The Gift of Fear is a #1 national bestseller by Gavin De Becker that could save your life. The Gift of Fear provides information about how you can protect yourself from danger by learning to trust in and act on your gut instincts. As you read this book, you learn your true fear is a gift ensuring your safety and survival. You learn to perceive your fear as a gift and trust in it, because you will be learning that violent acts are predictable, and before a violent act occurs, there are warning signs. Gavin De Becker will teach you that your fear detects these warning signs, and will try to alert you to present danger. You feel the alarm your fear triggers in the pit of your stomach- it’s that heavy, gut feeling that won’t leave you alone, and there’s a reason for that. It persists because it’s trying to tell you to protect yourself before you become a victim to a violent act.

Before I tell you about what Gavin De Becker calls “survival signals,” I want to talk to you a little more about the book The Gift of Fear. My mom bought this book for me when I was in high school. She told me she recommended it to a young woman who used to babysit for her, and soon afterwards she received a phone call from the young woman’s mother. The mother called to tell her this book gave her daughter the guidance she needed to protect herself and save her life.

“I hate it when people give me a big book and tell me I have to read it,” she told the young woman, “but just promise me you’ll read the first 30 pages. The first 30 pages will tell you all you need to know about how to protect yourself in any situation.” My mom made this young woman promise her she would read the first 30 pages of The Gift of Fear after the young woman told her she was going away to college soon. My mom explained the book to her, just like I’m explaining it to you, and she told her the gift the book talks about is inside of you. The gift is your ingrained ability to feel when you are in danger, and prevent it from happening. The gift is your fear.

A month or 2 later my mom got a phone call from this young woman’s mother. The woman’s mom said her daughter had gone to Walmart, and as she was walking through the parking lot, she noticed 2 men sitting in a van. While she was shopping, she noticed one of the men in the van was always nearby, and he seemed to be watching her. She felt he was following her. She finished shopping, and right when she was about to go out the door, she noticed the van was parked near the front of the store. The back doors were open now. This woman, staying aware (a key skill to use to protect yourself), looked for the man who had been following her. She found him near the door, close to her, and she saw the other man waiting in the van. The daughter said her gut told her these men were going to kidnap her. Listening to her intuition, she went back into store, and had a manager walk her to her car. She said when the men saw her with a store employee, they got in the van and drove away.

Within the first 5 pages, the author, Gavin De Becker, will tell you he wrote The Gift of Fear to save people from becoming victims to violent crimes. He will also tell you he wrote this book because of one person who made it out of a violent and terrifying situation alive because of one, important, life changing decision- she listened to her intuition. People refer to Gavin De Becker as an expert at predicting violence because he has predicted the behavior of murderers, stalkers, would-be assassins, rejected boyfriends, estranged husbands, and mass killers, among others prone to committing violent acts. Gavin De Becker will tell you in the pages of this book he spent his childhood predicting future acts of violence. He will also tell you he learned there is a universal code of violence from his tumultuous childhood, and he will crack the code for you, with this reminder: most of what you need to crack this code is already in you. You just have to listen to it.

Denial

Denial is one of the most powerful placebo effects that will hinder your ability to listen to your intuition and use your gift of fear. Gavin De Becker describes denial as “ a save-now-pay-later scheme, a contract written entirely in small print, for in the long run, the denying person knows the truth on some level, and it causes a constant low-grade anxiety.”

“The denying person knows the truth on some level”– right there- here’s how we know what we need to protect ourselves is inside of us. Even if you deny it, it’s still there. It’s still nagging you. Your body’s built in alarm system will keep sounding, keep trying to protect you. Think of the last time it sounded for you. Did you deny it- or did you listen?

In the long run, denial will cheat you out of learning how to use your natural, reliable gift of fear. How do you get past denial? It’s unfortunate, but you have to take a good, hard look at the violence in the world and believe it could happen to you or someone you know. Swallowing this bitter pill will help you push past denial and take the steps to prevent violence from happening to you.

Survival Signals

Page 55 is where Gavin De Becker begins talking about “survival signals.” Survival signals help you learn how to recognize risk. They are the signals your fear detects that sound the alarm. There are 7 of them: 1) forced teaming, 2) charm and niceness, 3) too many details, 4) typecasting, 5) loansharking, 6) the unsolicited promise, and 7) discounting the word “no.” Each of these survival signals will require 1 thing: your awareness. The next time you’re walking from the store to your car, stay aware. Take note on who is around you, what they look like, what they’re wearing. Note if they seem to acknowledge you, how close they get to you, and how much you notice they are showing up in the areas around you. The key is to stay plugged into your environment.

Signal # 1: Forced Teaming

Gavin De Becker starts his discussion on survival signals with forced teaming. Forced teaming is a “sophisticated manipulation,” a foot-in-the-door technique predators will use as a way to establish premature trust with their selected victim in a situation where none has been earned. The person initiating forced teaming knows he/she hasn’t done anything to earn your trust; it’s a manipulative tactic. It’s intentional, calculated, and directed, and ultimately meant to deceive.

But how can you detect forced teaming?

First, take note of where you are, how long you’ve known the person interacting with you, what your body’s alarm system, your fear, is telling you, and listen.

One of the easiest ways to detect forced teaming is hearing the word “we.” People attempting to initiate forced teaming will say things like “both of us”; “we’re some team”; “How are we going to handle this”; and “now we’ve done it.” All of these expressions cultivate a “we’re in the same boat” attitude. People using forced teaming will project a shared purpose or experience when there is none.

Ask yourself how 1) how long you’ve known the person saying these things to you, and 2) why they would be trying to engage you. If this person has sinister intentions, you may not find a convincing answer from asking yourself these questions. They know you won’t either, and they are using forced teaming to create a false sense of security.

Signal #2: Charm and Niceness

Gavin De Becker calls charm “an overrated ability,” and defines it as an avenue people use “to compel, to control by allure or attraction.” Thinking of charm as a verb can help you discern when someone is trying to charm you. It is helpful to think, “this person is trying to charm me,” instead of “this person is charming.” Niceness is another social strategy used by attackers to lure victims. It is helpful to remember that niceness does not equal goodness. It is good to step back and think about why someone would be charming and nice if 1) you don’t know the person, and 2) there doesn’t seem to be an appropriate, or logical, reason for this kind of behavior. People who make it their business to deceive and hurt others become good at doing so by earning their trust first, and that process involves using charm and niceness. Charm and niceness are strategies used by predators to make them appear as people with good intentions in order to mask their evil intentions.

Signal # 3: Too Many Details

Too many details is a technique used to deceive and distract. Too many details is used often by people who are lying, but fear you will see their deceit. To appease this fear and distract you from their lie, they will use too many details. The key to discerning whether someone has sinister intent is to remain aware of the context.

What is your relationship to the people around you? Where are you?

Someone who knows it is inappropriate for you to be talking to them (think of an older man and a pre-teen or teenage girl who don’t have any prior relation or association to each other), or knows you would think it’s strange for them to approach you given the context, will try to distract and act familiar towards you to ease the initial uneasiness you feel (your fear) with too many details. This should not ease your uneasiness; it should heighten it. Remember, the ultimate goal, and the worst case scenario, is to deceive you. If you don’t know them, or they give you an uneasy feeling, trust it, and don’t let anyone, or anything, easily disuade you.

Signal # 4: Typecasting

“You’re probably too snobbish to talk to the likes of me”- this is an example of a strategy called typecasting. Typecasting involves insult, but the real motive is to engage. When Gavin De Becker explains typecasting, he talks about situations involving a man labeling a woman in a derogatory or critical way.

Why? To 1) get her attention and 2) get a response. The second objective- the response- is the goal of typecasting. Gavin De Becker says the person typecasting may not even believe what they’re saying; they just believe it will work.

Signal #5: Loansharking

Loansharking is the fifth survival signal Gavin De Becker talks about. Loansharking is a strategy that places someone in a position of debt. When you are indebted to someone, it can create a situation in which you find it hard to say no to them or ask them to leave you alone. Loan sharking often happens when someone offers unsolicited help. The person offering the unsolicited help, a person with sinister intentions, knows the person they are helping will feel a sense of obligation to them. They know it will give them the upper hand. Two ways you can defend yourself against loansharking is to remind yourself of 2 facts: 1) this person approached you, and 2) you didn’t ask for their help.

Signal #6: Unsolicited Promsie

Gavin De Becker says the unsolicited promise is one of the most reliable signals because most of the time people who make these unsolicited promises have questionable motives. A promise is made to convince; when someone tells you they “promise” when it doesn’t seem necessary or appropriate, it is more than likely you have good reason to doubt them. In fact, people who make unsolicited promises do so because they can see your doubt about their intentions. Gavin De Becker says it’s best practice to be suspicious of the unsolicited promise.

Signal # 7: Discounting the Word No.

The survival signal Gavin De Becker labels as the most universally significant is discounting the word no. People who do not hear the word no are trying to control you. If you encounter someone who ignores you telling them no, you can remain aware and defend yourself by asking these questions: 1) why is this person seeking to control me, and 2) what does he/she want?

People who discount the word “no” are often dangerous; this is a red flag indicating future abuse and problems.

Many of these survival signals are subtle; they are little clues people give away that wouldn’t be recognized or understood unless they were explicitly explained and brought to our attention. Gavin De Becker shares his experience and wisdom about these signals with us in The Gift of Fear so we will be able to consciously recognize and understand them. Your fear, however, is naturally tuned to pick up on these signals, and often does so unconsciously. Your brain is programmed to be proactive when it comes to your safety and survival. Remember that feeling you can’t always put your finger on? Now that you are aware of the likely reasons why your fear is sounding the alarm, you are better informed about why you should listen to this feeling. Your fear is causing this feeling, and it’s your own personal inner expert at detecting and assessing your current risk.

These survival signals are used in daily life, and the people who use them do not always have sinister intentions. This is why remaining aware and constantly reminding yourself of 1) where you are, 2) how much you know the people around you, and 3) what your gut is telling you are vital.

The Gift of Fear is worth the read! The next time you have that feeling, take a step back and listen. It’s there for a reason.