The Kiss of Yes: Learning to Say No and Set Boundaries

I Guess You Would Call Me a People-Pleaser

I have always found it incredibly hard to say no to people. Growing up (and even still now), I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect for everyone all of the time. I guess you would call me a people-pleaser. I just want others to be happy, so if there’s something I can do that will help them get there, then of course I want to do it. But what happens when making others happy makes me less happy? Am I supposed to sacrifice my own well-being to always be there for others? Sometimes that’s what it feels like. Don’t get me wrong… I love helping people. It’s why I love working in the Counseling Center and why I am so passionate about becoming a teacher. But… constantly putting others needs before my own is EXHAUSTING.

When we say yes to everything, it can lead to feeling overextended. Let’s call it the kiss of yes. This may result in physical and mental exhaustion and overwhelm, resentment towards others for asking too much of you, a desire to escape from your life, or boundary betrayal, which could look like saying “yes” before reflecting on if you have capacity for the task, packing your schedule without reflecting on your limitations, or not asking for support when you need it. If you often find yourself trying to balance too many things, doing things out of obligation, or kicking yourself for agreeing to do something you find draining, then newsflash: you might have a problem setting boundaries.

To make matters worse, at Berry, there’s this culture of saying yes to EVERYTHING. You should be as involved as you possibly can while you’re here. And you know what, some people love that and thrive that way. But for others, it can feel like you are being stretched too thin. And it’s okay to feel that way. This pressure to do it all can be difficult to handle, especially when you look around and see people who seem to be doing everything effortlessly. However, comparison is the thief of joy. Everyone has their own capacities for how much they can handle at once. So, what might be a lot for you might be a little for someone else, and there’s no shame in that.

Saying No is Not Selfish, It’s Self-Care

Saying no is a form of boundary setting. Boundaries are the limits you set for yourself that determine what you participate in and when to remove yourself. Setting boundaries can often look like saying no to things that make you uncomfortable, things that are emotionally draining, or things that create unnecessary stress in your life.

Learning to say no often requires a lot of reflection…

When setting these boundaries, it may be helpful to assess why it is so difficult for you to do so. Fear often plays a part when you don’t want to say no. For me, I think that I’m always scared of letting people down or of not being good enough. Other examples might include that you’re scared that others will get mad or think you’re being selfish. Once you can name that fear, ask yourself: how likely is it that going to happen? And if it did happen, what does that say about the person you’re involved with? Speaking up about your needs shouldn’t be a negative thing. If someone can’t accept you saying no, it may be time to rethink the relationship.

In order to set boundaries, you also have to know what is best for you. But being able to recognize what is best for you requires you to get to know yourself. As I have gotten more comfortable with myself, I’ve been able to better understand how much I can take on and where my boundaries are. And because I’m more comfortable with myself, I’m also more confident in enforcing those boundaries and putting myself first sometimes. Remember, you know yourself and your needs better than anyone else does, sometimes it just takes a little reflection to realize that.

After you have done some soul-searching and have learned more about what is best for you, then you’re ready to start utilizing the power of no! To use this newfound power, next time someone asks something of you, or you feel obligated to do something, then take a personal inventory and assess whether or not something will fill you up or drain you. If it’s the latter, then recognize that it is okay to say no.

When you first start saying no, it can be very hard to stand up for yourself without feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt. It’s important that you give yourself permission to say no without feeling guilty, mean, or selfish. It is not your responsibility to sacrifice yourself for others. Saying no just means that you know your value and that you respect yourself. It’s not selfish, it’s self-care, a way to show yourself kindness and grace. When we say no, we acknowledge that it’s okay to put ourselves first.

Learning to set boundaries will not happen overnight, especially if you are not in the habit of prioritizing yourself. Adding no to your vocabulary will take time, but the more you practice it, the easier it will get. I’m going to practice saying no more often, and I hope you will too, and then maybe both of us can avoid the kiss of yes.

Written by Hope Huetter