Grief Sucks…

Grief sucks… There’s no other way to say it. Grief sucks. It comes at the worst of times. It comes when you’re not expecting it. Sometimes it fails to show up when you expect it to the most. It never goes away and its ever-changing. Everyone is affected by grief, and everyone experiences it differently. There are many different things one can grieve: loss of a relationship, a big change, a shift in plans. But today, I want to discuss the big one: the grief we experience after a death. More specifically, anticipatory grief vs. sudden loss. These two scenarios are very different, and our grief in response can be vastly different as well.

“Normal” Grief:

To understand these different scenarios, we need to discuss the basics of grief. Most everyone has heard that grief has 5 stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These stages are not linear. You may jump around between many feelings when navigating through grief. Some of these stages may hit you harder than other stages. And that’s okay. Not everyone experiences grief in the same way.

Denial: Following a loss, it is not unusual to respond by convincing yourself that the loss didn’t happen or that your life has not changed. Denial is a common coping mechanism that helps numb you to the intensity of the situation.

Anger: Anger is often masking the many complex emotions and pains you are experiencing. This anger might get directed at other family members or friends, or even inanimate objects. Anger at one’s higher power or at the person you have lost is common, also. While sometimes, your rational brain knows the object of your anger isn’t to blame, your feelings in that moment are too intense to act rationally.

Bargaining: In the bargaining stage of grief, you may find yourself creating a lot of “what if” and “if only” statements. It’s also not uncommon for religious individuals to try to make a deal or promise to God or a higher power in return for healing or relief from the grief and pain.

Depression: You may choose to isolate yourself from others in order to fully cope with the loss. Like the other stages of grief, depression can be also difficult and messy. It can feel overwhelming. You may feel foggy, heavy, and confused.

Acceptance: Acceptance is not necessarily a happy or uplifting stage of grief. It doesn’t mean you’ve moved past the grief or loss. It does, however, mean that you’ve accepted it and have come to understand what it means in your life now.

Anticipatory Grief:

Anticipatory grief is grief that happens before death. When someone has a life-threatening illness, the individual and family anticipates death. This time can be used beneficially: to say goodbye, to resolve issues, to plan arrangements, to spend time with loved ones. But ultimately, it can be a taxing and emotionally exhausting time. Anticipatory grief can be confusing. On one hand, you’re mourning the approaching loss of you loved one. But on the other, you’re thankful for the time you have left to spend with them. Grief before death isn’t a substitute for grief later on. It won’t necessarily shorten the grieving process after death occurs. There is not a fixed amount of grief a person experiences when they lose someone. Even if your loved one’s health has been declining for a long time, nothing can really prepare you for the actual death.

The biggest loss in my life was an anticipatory one. My grandfather was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer when I was in middle school. After much prayer and consideration, he decided not to undergo chemotherapy. He was going to live his life to the fullest for however long he had left. God blessed him with about two years of a “normal” life. It was great because my family got to spend so much time with him, doing the things he loved. But the pain of not knowing how much longer he had was excruciating, especially towards the end. Watching a loved one suffer is hard. It was especially hard, for me, as a kid. This was my Pop. To see him in pain was difficult. He passed away April 18, 2018. And the grief has never stopped. I struggled a lot with my Pop’s death. I was angry at God. I didn’t understand how He could take away such an amazing person from this Earth. Much later, and after reconciling my anger with God, I finally made it to acceptance. I realized my Pop was not in pain anymore. He was not sick or suffering. And what a peaceful thought that is. My grief comes in waves. I still have moments when I get emotional, and I don’t know why. The thing I struggle with most now is realizing that I am a completely different person than I was when Pop died. I’m upset that he never got to know this version of me, or future versions of me. But I find joy in the time I spent with him, and the hope I will see him again one day.

Sudden Loss:

Sudden loss is a death that happens unexpectedly and suddenly. Sudden loss can leave survivors feeling shocked and confused. Loved ones are often left with many questions, unresolved issues, and intense anger, guilt, and pain. There are many differences between sudden loss and anticipatory grief. For example, the denial stage might last a little longer as feelings of shock and disbelief can be prolonged, there is often no “proper goodbye”, and you are left with many unanswered questions. While guilt is experienced in both sudden and expected losses, sudden loss may cause different feelings of guilt related to missed opportunities or not being able to prevent the loss.

Another difficult loss I’ve experienced was one of a close family friend. This family has been in my life a long time. The 4 kids are around my age; we did so many things together and we were always back and forth from each other’s houses. So, when I came home one day to the news that their dad passed away unexpectedly, I was in disbelief. He was healthy. He was young. I was confused and the news didn’t seem real. I remember the following weeks after his passing so vividly. Every free chance I had, my mom and I spent with them, helping in any way we could, even if that meant just sitting. I had this enormous pain because I was grieving this amazing man who had been impactful in my life, but I was also grieving for his children. I couldn’t—and still can’t—imagine a life without a father. Especially when their father was a great one. My grieving was far different from the grief I normally experienced. This loss was on my mind continuously. I couldn’t focus at school. I couldn’t sit through a church service. It was the end of my senior year of high school, I was filling out scholarship applications and studying for AP classes, but suddenly none of that mattered to me anymore. I cried what felt like constantly, except when I was at their house. I had this absurd feeling that I wasn’t allowed to cry in front of them. I felt so guilty, as if my grieving somehow diminished their own. I felt it was not my loss to grieve.

Now, while I have come to terms with the fact that I am allowed to grieve, it is important to acknowledge the fact that the grief his family experiences is so different and so much more intense than I will ever be able to put into my own words. But being with them and comforting them through this, I’ve seen the effects sudden loss can have on a person’s body and mind. As mentioned earlier, grief never stops. It’s a constant rollercoaster. And sometimes all you can do for someone experiencing sudden loss is simply be there for them when they need it.

Coping With Grief:

Whether you have experienced anticipatory grief or sudden loss, it’s important to know how to cope. Grief is overwhelming and hard to carry sometimes. It’s important to talk to someone and be open about the emotions you’re feeling. Speaking with a close friend of family member to process grief can be a great way to release some weight off your shoulders. Also, don’t be afraid to reach out to your local therapist or counselor to talk through some of your feelings! They are here to help and can help you learn healthy coping mechanisms as you are grieving. Our counseling center here on campus has counselors who are ready to listen to you! Don’t hesitate to make an appointment.

Allow yourself to fully feel all your emotions when they come to you. Don’t beat yourself up, like I did. Acknowledge your feelings, actually feel them, and realize that whatever your grieving process looks like, its okay! Everyone experiences grief differently. Don’t expect your grieving to look exactly like someone else’s.

Take care of yourself. I know it can be hard when someone you love passes away, whether it was anticipated or sudden. Everyday tasks can seem daunting and draining. As hard is it can be in times of loss, please make sure you take care of yourself. Take a shower, drink some water, brush your teeth. These are all little tasks that we can do to take care of ourselves during hard times.

Keep the memory of your loved one alive. Share stories with your friends and family about all the good times you shared with your loved one. Funny stories, embarrassing memories, little quirks your loved one had. Talk openly about them! Keeping that spirit alive can be so comforting after loss. While this one may be difficult for some people, I enjoy keeping pictures or mementos near me that remind me of my loved ones that have passed. It makes me feel closer to them and reminds me to focus on all the good moments, rather than the bad ones. I have a picture of me and my Pop on my desk in my room and I smile every time I see it. Little things like pictures can make a huge difference.

If you are grieving a loved one, my heart goes out to you. Grief is messy, scary, beautiful, tragic, and an undeniably human experience. As you navigate grief, it is my hope that you find healthy ways to cope that work for you. Know you are not alone. It is okay to ask for help. We are not meant to walk this journey alone. Grief sucks… but I promise the sun will rise again.

Written by Mollie Martin