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It’s like Hamilton, except there are no duels.
In both the musical and the real-life story of Alexander Hamilton, Hamilton counsels his son, Philip, either not to fire first or to shoot into the air during a duel. In doing so, Philip is fatally shot, leading Hamilton to blame himself for the death of his son.
What does this have to do with forgiveness? In one case, Hamilton is forced to reckon with the blood of his son on his hands, while in another he is faced with the grief felt by his wife, Eliza. The musical continues with “It’s Quiet Uptown,” a song that describes their grief. While Hamilton struggles to forgive himself, Eliza also battles with her own pain and blaming of Alexander. In the end, Eliza joins hands with Alexander, ultimately forgiving him and allowing them to grieve together.
Why did I tell this story?
Forgiveness can seem impossible sometimes. This especially can be the case if we think forgiveness means we are letting the other person win some silent battle. You may think, “How can I let them off so easily?”
But that’s the thing, you aren’t just letting them off.
Forgiveness is not about excusing or condoning how you were hurt, nor is it discounting your feelings. You are allowed to be upset and feel betrayed, but whether or not you forgive someone should not be your way of payback.
It’s about grace.
Forgiveness takes time, courage, and a lot of grace. Even when you feel someone is not deserving, forgiveness involves you actively extending grace to them anyways. Choosing to forgive someone who has deeply wronged you takes a lot of effort and dedication. It’s hard work, but it’s necessary work.
It’s necessary because you will not be able to free yourself from your negative feelings until you choose to forgive. Forgiveness allows you to release feelings of anger, resentment, and shame, moving forward to have feelings of peace.
It is also important to note that forgiveness is mostly an internal process. Forgiveness can happen without a formal apology, and you don’t have to tell the person that you are forgiving them unless you want to. If you want to try and make amends in a broken relationship, of course, you can go talk to the person. On the other hand, if this is someone you would rather not interact with again, do not feel pressured to do so. You have no obligations to them.
Maybe the person you need to forgive is yourself.
Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself. This may be the case because you know your motivations and mistakes so intimately. You know what’s done is done and that you can’t go back in time.
Show yourself grace and learn from your actions so that you may be able to move forward. Be gentle with yourself, and remember you are only human. Recognize that your worth is not found in your past, and allow yourself to heal, whether anyone else thinks you deserve to or not.
Do I have to forgive AND forget?
The question is not will you ever forget, but rather: how will you move forward?
Sometimes we need to remember so that we can learn from our past, keep from experiencing the same pain twice, and help others through their journeys.
For example, I can remember all the ways I have been hurt by someone, therefore I am now aware of the boundaries I need to keep for myself. I can also remember all the ways I have hurt someone else, therefore I am intentionally living differently.
It’s not that you are choosing to forget, but rather you are letting go of any grudges you are holding.
Grudges are a tricky thing, in which we think they are hurting the other person, but in reality, they are just hurting ourselves instead. Grudges hold you back from living your life to your fullest extent. When grudges are weighing you down and crowding your heart and mind, you have less room to let in positive things like love, joy, and peace. You may struggle to focus and make fuller connections with others when you are held back by a grudge.
Some simple things to do:
Watch Hamilton and see some grace that is “too powerful to name.”
I am only half-joking here. It’s a great story and show, but not mandatory for your forgiveness journey.
Reflect on your relationships and on any areas you feel may need some restoration.
Maybe this is something that has been under the surface or buried down deep for years now. Maybe it’s something very recent. Either way now can be the time to heal.
Take time for yourself and allow the other person time too.
When Hamilton asked for forgiveness he didn’t pretend to know all the ways his wife was hurting, nor did he try to “make it up” to her somehow. Instead, he recognized that she needed time.
This is what freedom feels like!
With patience, commitment, and openness to moving forward, you are making room to heal the pain and hurt within. If you let shame, regret, or grudges control you, you aren’t living a life of freedom.
Freedom comes when we honor our journey of getting to where we are and work toward a better future with an open heart and mind.
Written by, KateLynn Davenport
Resources:
Carr, Kris. “How to Forgive When You Just Can’t Let Go.” KrisCarr.com, Crazy Sexy Wellness, LLC, 12 Nov. 2021, https://kriscarr.com/blog/forgiveness-how-to-forgive/.
Rollo, Nikki. “Blog Series on Forgiveness: Part 1 – Forgiving Others: What Is Forgiveness and Why Is It Important?” Center for Change, TRICARE, 31 Aug. 2021, https://centerforchange.com/blog-series-forgiveness-part-1-forgiving-others-forgiveness-important/.
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